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Mark A. Shiffrin and Avi Silberschatz believe America should control the Internet. They did invent it after all, and can't trust the rest of the world to keep it free. That's fine. There are a few things we invented in the Rest of the World that we'd like to control too, if that's okay.
In yesterday's New York Times, Mark A. Shiffrin and Avi Silberschatz argue that America should keep control of the Internet; specifically of ICANN, the sometimes controversial organisation in California that administers Internet addresses. This is because "American values caused the Internet to emerge and evolve as a medium of freedom." The Internet is a remarkable anomaly then, considering that American values have also caused the nuclear annihilation of two Japanese cities, an acknowledged travesty in Vietnam, the illegal occupation and neglect of Iraq, Guantanamo Bay, and a hedonistic dependence on fossil fuels that threatens the wellbeing of everyone outside of the International Space Station. As a representative of The Rest of the World, I have drafted a letter to Shiffrin and Silberschatz.
Dear Mssrs Shiffrin and Silberschatz
I'm writing on behalf of the Rest of the World, which begins about twelve (not twenty-four) nautical miles east of New York, extends for about twenty-two thousand statute miles, and does not necessarily include Britain, which is now a county of New Jersey.
In return for letting you keep control of the Internet, we'd like to retain control of a few things we invented.
We reckon it's fair enough that you hang on to the Internet because you do have the best system for ensuring no single organisation will ever be able to control it. You have an unimaginable amount of money, widespread broadband access, and an almost unlimited supply of Twinkies. What the Internet needs is to be fed largely by a society so hell-bent on hedonism and excess that it will always produce pockets of Twinkie-nourished geek resistance within its own organs, funded by part-time jobs at MacDonalds, technical support for sites of ill-repute, and naive parents who think their kids are doing their homework on the family PC. You see, here in the Rest of the World we have some serious problems keeping us busy, so if you could keep the Internet suitably anarchic for a while longer that would be super. We'll take care of some other areas of influence.
1. We would like to retain control of the High Seas. Spanish and Portuguese Values caused the High Seas to emerge and evolve as a method of transportation. So please register all your ships, submarines, and oil rigs with them, since they obviously know what they're doing. English Values were also quite influential on the High Seas, so you can send a representative from New Jersey to meetings.
2. We would like to retain control of International Sport, specifically the Olympic Games. From now on they will always be held in and run by Greece, since Greek Values caused the Olympic Games to emerge and evolve as a centrepiece of international competition. Australia will handle cricket, New Zealand rugby, and Brazil soccer, since they're the only ones who can be trusted always to beat anyone at these sports on any given day. Scotland will continue to run golf, consulting the USPGA whenever necessary. Switzerland will handle tennis; they are neutral and have Roger Federer.
3. We would like to retain control of World Religions. We're not sure whose Values caused them to emerge, but we know they weren't American. (The Vatican says it can't trust you to run their Catholic seminaries any longer; there's some debate out here about whether they could do a better job, but at least it's no longer your problem.) We'll assign countries shortly. As you say, control of such an important area of influence should be handled by the country that can be most trusted with its maintenance. We're thinking Italy for Christianity, Palestine for Islam, Nepal for Hinduism (they've actually made Hinduism their state religion), China for Taoism, and New York for Judaism.
4. We would like to retain control of Space Travel. We know you're quite good at it, but the Russians, thanks to Russian Values, did get their first. And they have a better spacecraft in the Soyuz than that contentious Shuttle you fly from time to time. So the Russian Aviation and Space Agency will administer space travel to keep it reliable and safe. You can keep the Moon; finders keepers, as you say.
5. We would like to retain control of TV, which was developed almost entirely in Europe, and specifically as a result of German Values, which caused it to evolve into its current cathode-ray form. Only the Germans know how to put together really a good piece of electronic hardware, so they can be trusted to keep us all on the air.
6. Finally, we would like to retain control of Stock Exchanges. The first stock exchange, as we know it, was the Amsterdam Stock Exchange set up by the Dutch East India Company in 1602, 190 years before the NYSE. And Dutch Values, bless them, are very de rigueur. Nowadays the exchange has been merged into a European stock exchange called Euronext, which despite its silly name is not a bad setup, and shows that here in the Rest of the World we can get along with each other when we need to.
So, let's do lunch. Our people will call your people. Let's move quickly. It would be a pity if we were to leave this till it's all too late.
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