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According to the NY Times, "Investigators appointed by the Vatican have been instructed to review each of the 229 Roman Catholic seminaries in the United States for 'evidence of homosexuality' . . . ." The Vatican's document asks seminarians to answer a few questions (the real questions are in italics below). To make it easier for seminarians, and to reduce the chances of a brigade of Vatican investigators stomping across the grass in the quad and ripping the heart out of your Diana Ross collection, here are a few royalty-free suggestions for answers.
According to the NY Times, "Investigators appointed by the Vatican have been instructed to review each of the 229 Roman Catholic seminaries in the United States for 'evidence of homosexuality' . . . ." The Vatican's document asks seminarians to answer a few questions (the real questions are in italics below). To make it easier for seminarians, and to reduce the chances of a brigade of Vatican investigators stomping across the grass in the quad and ripping the heart out of your Diana Ross collection, here are a few royalty-free suggestions for answers.
Vatican: Is there a clear process for removing from the seminary faculty members who dissent from the authoritative teaching of the church or whose conduct does not provide good example to future priests?
OPTION 1: This is very exciting. I would like to suggest burning at the stake. We did this for nearly one and a half thousand years from 385 till 1826 (though we outsourced the actual burning to the state by then, which would save costs now too) and that many Popes can't be wrong. And most people have forgotten that terrible Joan of Arc movie.
OPTION 2: Could we add a few old bug bears like [choose three for maximum effect: Adoptionism, Apollinarism, Arianism, Antinomianism, Bogomils (Adoptionists and Manichaeans!), the Bosnian Church, Catharism, Chiliasm, Docetism, Donatism, Euchites, Gallicanism, Gnosticism, Henry the monk, Jansenism, Luciferians, Lollardry, Marcionism, Monarchianism, Monophysitism, Monothelitism, Montanism, Nestorianism, Pelagianism, Peter of Bruis, Priscillianism, Psilanthropism, Sabellianism, Socianism (including or not including Patripassianism), and Waldensians in general].
Vatican: Is the seminary free from the influences of New Age and eclectic spirituality?
OPTION 1: I'd like to add this to my SPAM filter, can you do that?
OPTION 2: Thank goodness, we can finally stop watching Oprah in the common room and get back to watching American Football (though there was that thing about Janet Jackson's boob at the Superbowl, damn. (Damning! We still do that, right?) Well we could watch Ainslie Harriet. Oh, actually we couldn't. Crap. Sorry.
OPTION 3: We watched "The Fellowship of the Ring". Bugger. We'll be gone by morning.
Vatican: Do the seminarians or faculty members have concerns about the moral life of those living in the institution? (This question must be answered).
OPTION 1: Well last night Fran and Georgio had this almighty catfight because Georgio thought Orlando Bloom should be the new James Bond and Fran just flicked mashed potato in his eye -- JUST LIKE THAT! It was really funny but not moral to do or to laugh at it. ANYway, Fran reckons Georgio just likes orlando Bloom because he visited the seminary once, though Phil said it was just to use the loo.
OPTION 2: Nah, we're all Nicene nuff. Get it? Nicene! Ahem.
Vatican: Do faculty members watch out for signs of particular friendships?
OPTION 1: Yes. We at the [insert] seminary actively discourage friendships. We think people work best when they are slightly suspicious of one another.
OPTION 2: Yes. We at the [insert] seminary actively discourage particular friendships. Friendship means not caring about the details.
OPTION 3: No. We're too busy feeding people.
Vatican: Is there evidence of homosexuality in the seminary? (This question must be answered).
OPTION 1: Phillipe has this stunning pomade that he once said he got from his cousin Francis who may or may not be known to have Kissed a Boy, but Phillipe says he's not sure whether Francis is still a boy or a girl so does that count?
OPTION 2: No. [Good option for avoiding Difficult Questions from the Vatican; you think it can't happen to you but remember nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition]
OPTION 3: Poster of Orlando Bloom in the common room.
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